© · lexi's colours



have you ever thought that maybe you could’ve been set on autopilot? i mean your life; your actions, choices, all of it.

have you ever thought “could this be a knee jerk, tradition based, socially desired decision i’m making here?”?

what if you were to be alone in the world and this decision would 100% affect no one other than yourself and you would never ever be nagged about it ever?

trust me, i’m not asking this to help you find your inner psychopath.

i just feel like my identity was and will never be absolutely defined.
my core values are still the same, i checked, but when i do stop and take a better look, my decisions don’t always reflect who i am.

i find this automated system a little shitty, you never know what’s been put in there and by whom, but I also find it kinda cool and comforting. you rely on it and it’s there for you, yet no one asks you to make a big deal out of it.

and then, one shiny day, while you live your life as usual and think no bad thoughts, suddenly your automated system has no signal and you go from a mature and rational human being to a small, fragile and purely blocked but intense ball of awkwardness.

it would be so easy to turn your back on it and pretend you don’t need whatever it has to offer. 

when i interact with people, sometimes i feel this immense urge to say “screw you! get some help and heal, i need some proper company!”;

but then, sometimes, rarely, i kinda, sorta…get you, you avoidant bastards.
it’s hard a.f. to be confronted by your insecurities, weaknesses, shortcomings and not break down.

it would be so easy to just walk away…

i’m not an avoidant bastard, as you might’ve painfully found out, so i must see, experience and feel all there is for me to feel.

but it’s the furthest thing from my reach.
it’s the thing that i can’t get from reading studies or interrogating people. i need to interrogate my own cute feelings.
it’s the most inorganic thing, to just feel.
it holds nothing i could predict or plan. it’s paralyzingly unpredictable.

it’s giving people credit but also power over your identity;

it’s agreeing to first put yourself under observation, agreeing to let yourself be analyzed, judged, compared and then rated.

all of that bears the risk of altering your self image or even altering yourself altogether.
or it could just add some new features to your programming.

either way, it’s risky stuff and you may find more parts of yourself that need intervention.
it’s another door to another storage room that will burst and spill as soon as you open it;
it’s a never ending need for correction and essentially wholeness.

but i do want to feel what’s there for me to feel. i could possibly lose a finger, i know, but this can’t be automated in any way.  

don’t wanna
miss out?