© · lexi's colours



it’s my first christmas alone, orphan and all.

i’m not legally an orphan, but i’ve always felt like i was that, you know, annoying foster child that nobody had any interest in or patience for. i am intense, though; i give them that.

this was very difficult to accept – the fact that sometimes i’m not accepted. Even more so if it’s my family that has a hard time liking me.

it didn’t matter where i was; for christmas i always had the traditional illusion of a family.
to be an orphan now, is my choice.

i feel exactly like that time i figured out there was no god: from that point on, everything was going to be on me.

fck, i felt lost there for a moment.

luckily, i also figured out that he didn’t do me good anyway. he brought fear, isolation, guilt, sadness, frustration.

and, like stephen fry once said, even if there was a god, “why should i respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?”
why would i want him to guide me?
yes, even if he doesn’t know any better…

i find parenting to be the biggest responsibility ever.
as a parent, you take a blank canvas and paint away your hopes and dreams. frustrations, too.
and that’s just it: who’s your child when they’re not a reflection of you? are you leaving room for them?
are you listening to them?

is it ok if they’re not who you want them to be? will you still love them? unchanged?

it’s a little unfair to bring a child into this world and promise to love and care for them, if..

this is a positive post. yes, even if i have to say it.

happy festivus, guys!

don’t wanna
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