Let me tell you, people, this whole “being an adult” business is really hard.

Most of you seem like you’ve got it all under control, and I really hope that’s true. But it’s not the case for me.
I’ve gotta admit, I struggle with it.

I’m no Chuck Noland, but I’ve taught myself to survive (if you must know), so the heavy stuff doesn’t really bother me; it’s the small things that throw me off balance.

The things that require spending time you don’t have, on something you’ll maybe enjoy. Maybe. At some point.
Like relationships. Just… just came to me now, off the top of my head.
And I mean all kinds of relationships.

My god, there’s so much to juggle and, mainly, no solid ground to stand on.
So many decisions to make, feelings to spare, and vibes to dodge.
So many people to say goodbye to, sometimes before you’re ready.
So many potentially interesting people to meet or get to know,
Yet so many people you wish you could give more to.
So many moments to be part of,
And so many fcking maybes.

There’s just as much to invest!
Listen, I’m sure there are tons of people who deserve all the effort in the world. Everyone deserves effort or just plain understanding, patience, love…
In theory, that is. It’s all subjective, you must know that.
What’s precious to me may not be valuable to you.
So, naturally, I put my effort where and when it makes sense. I’m practical like that.

Aaaaand there it is: when and where does it make sense to just be, without asking questions?
Is there a gut feeling I’m missing?
Or is there some kind of safe-word (not that kind of safe-word, kid) the universe gives us when we’re good to go, and I’m always with my headphones on?

I need to see that I matter (for the right reasons); that’s my sign.
But doesn’t everyone else need that, too?
Does this mean we’re all just standing here, depending on our story and trauma(s), waiting for people to show us we matter, while people do the same?
Aren’t we all just a bunch of cute, yet spoiled children with no need to share our toys;
with solely a need for someone to play with. By our rules. Without them getting bored or pissed.
I know I am.
Anyway…

…Oooor am I just against the thought of giving up control. (Not even going to put a question mark here… either.)

But doesn’t it scare you?
Standing metaphorically naked in front of someone who might not have your best interest at heart?
For me, scary means standing (still metaphorically) naked in front of someone who might not even be able to see you at all.

As I told you before, in 2010, in an article I’ve hidden since:
“Any kind of relationship seems to me like an honest game of Russian roulette.

You go in, and you don’t know where;
You consume, but you don’t know what.
You gift yourself, yet you don’t know to whom;
You risk terribly, though you have no idea what.

To be, or not to be… yourself;
To pretend or accept not being accepted;
Should you be clear,
Or let yourself be amazed by what’s to come;
To sweep before or step barefoot in the dust.
And what’s important: this moment, the next one;
Who’s your true friend, reason or soul.
(…)”

The (abrupt) end!

“Good night, sweet little motherfucker(s).”