© · lexi's colours

ships

ships

let me tell you, people, this being-an-adult business is really hard.

most of you seem like you’ve got it all under control, i really hope it’s true. not my case at all.
i gotta say, i struggle with it.

i’m no chuck noland, but i’ve taught myself to survive (if you must know), so the heavy stuff don’t really give me trouble; it’s the small things that get me off my balance.

the things that require spending time you don’t have, for something you’ll maybe enjoy. maybe. at some point.
like relationships (off the top of my head, just came to me now).
and i mean all sorts of relationships.

my god, there’s so much to juggle and mainly no ground to stand on;
so many decisions to make, feelings to spare and vibes to dodge;
so many people to say goodbye to, sometimes before you’re ready;
so many potentially interesting people to meet or get to know,
yet so many people you wish you could give more to,
or get more of;
so many moments to belong to;
and so many fcking maybes.

..my god, there’s just as much to invest!
listen, i’m sure there are tons of people who deserve all the effort in the world.
in theory, though.
the truth is everyone deserves effort, or just plain understanding, patience, love…
but it’s all subjective and you must know that;
what’s precious to me, may not be valuable to you.
so, naturally, i put my effort when and where it makes sense. i’m practical like that.
aaaand there it is: when and where does it make sense to just be, without asking questions?
is there a gut feeling i’m missing?
or is there some kinda safe-word (not that kind of safe-word, kid) the univers tells us when we’re good to go and i’m always with my headphones on?

i need to see i matter (for the right reasons), that’s my “sign”. but doesn’t everyone else need that, too?
and does this mean we’re all just standing there – depending on our story and trauma(s) – waiting for people to show us we matter, while people do the same?
aren’t we all just a bunch of cute, yet spoiled children with no need to share our toys;
with solely a need for someone to play with. by our rules. without them getting bored or pissed.
i know i am.
anyway..

…ooooor am i just against the thought of giving up control (not even gonna put a question mark here..either).

but doesn’t it scare you: standing metaphorically naked in front of someone who might not have your best interest at heart?
for me, scary means standing (still metaphorically) naked in front of someone who might not be able to see you at all.

as I told you before, in 2010, in an article i’ve hidden since,
“any kind of relationship seems to me like an honest game of russian roulette.

you go in and you don’t know where;
you consume, but you don’t know what;
you gift yourself, yet you don’t know to whom;
you risk terribly, though you have no idea what.

to be, or not to be…yourself;
to pretend, or accept not being accepted;
should you be clear,
or let yourself be amazed of what’s to come;
to sweep before or step barefoot in the dust.
and what’s important: this moment, the next one;
who’s your true friend, reason or soul.
(…)”

the (abrupt) end!

“Good night, sweet little motherfucker(s)”

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