i could start with all sorts of questions or cliché quotes, but i won’t. or will i! i’ll admit, every here and there i’ll slip some pinterest words. but they’ll be from my own memory, so you won’t even notice. i hope i can count on you to keep this a secret because we’re a team and at the same time, we all know that i can’t invent the nail – something that already exists, emotions or thoughts already travelled by -at least- 1 out of 7,800,000,000 people who are different from you and me, but still the same.

i’m not saying this is the pinterest quote, although it could be, but maybe it’s not, and that’s why it doesn’t have any quotation marks:

to find yourself, you need to unlearn years of social conditioning and education you got from people who themselves have been socially conditioned; and to see yourself as that child who has not yet been asked what they want to be when they grow up, while someone else answers for them.

but i quickly see the problem, don’t i? yes, you were a child back then and you still didn’t know yourself, and you still haven’t discovered your skills or preferences either. you didn’t even know what colour you like. and before you could find out, you’ve already been dressed in blue, maybe in your older brother’s clothes.

exactly, we were manipulated, people. isn’t this annoying!

you are orthodox because you were born in romania. you eat chicken soup every sunday because that’s your tradition. you took over the family business because that was the opportunity; you put money aside instead of enjoying…whatever you want because you know how the shortcomings feel. you talk to your sister and ask her about her health just because she’s your sister and that’s the socially desired attitude.

who would i be today if the whole context were to be different? would i’ve had the same principles, preferences, fears or dreams? i’m afraid not.

so i could tell you that all you have to do is get rid of everything you’ve been taught and ask you to please take a moment to listen to yourself and find out if this is really you. and then you’ll know what to do and everything’s gonna be fine – you’ll be happy af. but i’m not a hypocrite. or am i!

yes, we are more realistic than that. we don’t have the time, resources or even so much understanding from everyday life to do this, and in the end, we have one more realisation: it is what it is. we were born here, in the families we now know, we were dressed in colours that we learned to love and, as you can hear in most corporation hallways, maybe next to the water cooler, “we work with what we have, man!”.

good, now that we’re clear on the big what-could-have-been question, let’s see what we have.

we have fears, principles, preferences, triggers, etc. all of them present and alert. in a constant state of alertness. so we listen to, accept and work with them.

i don’t know about you (she said in a slightly arrogant voice), but i kept working on myself, i kept trying to fix myself, to put a label on myself, to solve all kinds of traumas and negative feelings, and i assure you it was time well spent. i had revelations, intense emotions, minor but relevant moments of real awareness and many, many, many, many other treasures. you should try it.

…did i tell you i’m also a hypocrite? i am, i am. i wasn’t going to forget to mention it, i was just postponing it because i’m also just a little bit cowardly.

i had many brilliant and deep moments of brainstorming, when some might even take a trip (some!, it doesn’t even matter who, you know who you are) and i saw my bs.. it wasn’t nice or easy, you know.. ok, it’s a little nice because now i get to be selfish and do things that make me feel strong, like admitting i’m a hypocrite. and then i get to be a victim and say “it wasn’t easy, you know”. but beyond that, it gives me the opportunity to be more confused than i was before.

complicated, i know. i would ask you to be patient with me, but i have no idea for how long.

if i’d think about the issue mathematically, i would get there faster you’d say, but.

i will try this, though – tell you what i found out so far:

i am chaotic, a misunderstood teenager, hyper-empathetic and impatient; i am too..everything and mostly hard to follow or get. and the most problematic part (can you hear the drums?), do i know how to or can i love? and if not, why? and if i know and can, why am i asking you this?

i also learned positive things about myself, i won’t deny it. ⁠moreover, i want to talk about them.

i know i’m hard to follow, but if you give me credit and understanding and love and patience and harmony and motivation, maybe, in the end, who knows..i’ll get there.

i found out that i am, in a way, a standard for creativity. and if that’s not a big deal in my view, i don’t know what is. so, my most important trait is validated. because that validates it. i should be happy, but the thing is…there’s more to it than that. creativity brings along some other…traits. please know that there are many other…traits.

i am creative and this gives me madness, obsessions, chaos, (longing for) solitude, madness, joy, sadness, pressure, anxiety, joy, curiosities, various emotions, madness…

but the good news is that i am creative and through my creativity i can easily express myself and be blunt, explicit, obvious and make my feelings clear and coded, for everyone to see.

i feel like this one is not good news either, but i’m gonna tell you anyway: i see myself! i don’t always understand what i see, but i accept myself and work with what i have. some things do me good, others hurt me. and it’s only natural that i make some decisions now and then and maybe exclude some of the bad ones.

i know i’ll sometimes feel the void, i’ll have moments and moments and moments and it won’t always be easy (you didn’t even notice how i made myself a victim again, did you?), but i’ll take moments over a lifetime in a heartbeat.

i’m overwhelming and i don’t compromise, i can’t be unhappy. maybe i’m a bad person for keeping myself away from what brings me negative feelings. it’s mostly people and they could feel hurt because of it. what i’m doing is selfish or even cruel. and maybe i do love animals more. this could be childish or defective. i don’t have the answers, nor do i pretend to have them. and it may be another escape or another experiment. or more proof that i’m unable to commit or love.

but maybe i’m just that sensitive and need to do this to keep myself together.

do you see me?